Self-Esteem, Failure, and Everything Else

Self-Esteem

The people who know me really well, excluding my family, say that I have crap self-esteem. Most of the time, when this is said, I’ll either deny it, or brush it off as nothing. I know that most of the things I say about myself are true, while the people who know me really well just think I’m downing myself. However, some things that come to mind make me wonder about the truth behind them.

Now, I’m not going to make a list, nor am I going to use examples like I normally do for things that are hard to explain. In fact, I’m not even going to linger on this subject, because it’s making me sound conceded.

Failure

Recently, no scratch that, over the past few months, I’ve stopped writing completely. I haven’t sat down to even attempt to write a piece of fiction, and the few lines that I manage to scribble on the margins of my math notes either make no sense, or sound like dropped shit.

So, after some thought on the matter, I’ve decided to change my career plan.

Instead of becoming a writer, since no one would want to read what I write anyway, I shall become a collage English professor.

Now I must plan for collage, hopefully a cheep one that I’ll have to work two jobs to afford. I hope that even a cheep one will take me now. I failed algebra II by two points. So for all intensive purposes, I’m a failure at life.

A school may look at me and say “Um, No.” then kick me out in the rain because I couldn’t get a job to afford an umbrella.

My mother says that I worry to much, and that everyone fails a class at some point. My mother seldom helps when she says things like that.

This subject, I will also cease to speak of.

Everything Else

Christmas is coming up Saturday.

Today, I vacuumed, washed clothes and washed dishes three times. Yesterday, I baked a cake, wrapped my mother’s presents that I went shopping for, arranged all the presents around the small tree on the coffee table, and took said cake to the family of my friend. The day before, I put up the Christmas tree for the first time in three years, and dared to listen to the ‘Carol of the Bells’ on my mp3 player.

I’ve been staying up late because I’m not allowed to do things during the day. However, I’m also not allowed to sleep late, and have to wake up every morning to take my mother to work. So, to say that I’m a tad sleep deprived would be a huge understatement.

I’m preparing to feel immensely guilty on Christmas, because even though I only asked for a new pair of school shoes this year, I know that my parents have gone out of their way to get me things that I know they can’t afford.

I did get new school shoes. They came in the mail a few days ago. My old ones, I’ve had for four years, and are falling apart. So, my mother ordered me a new pair online. She also keeps telling me that I’ll be getting more things on Christmas, so really, my guilt trip begins now.

Christmas is Saturday, yet as my family’s normal Christmas traditions go, we have done nothing. The only reason we have cookies in the house, is because while my mom was making them for work, she decided to make us some to.

However, my Aunt Bonnie and her hoard are due for a visit, and I have no doubt that as soon as we receive conformation, my grandmother will be jumping up and conducting a house cleansing while she cooks five turkeys and whatever else she thinks of.

God, this entry sounds depressing.